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Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Zac Sky interviews me

Hey, guess what? ... I will give you two clues. 1) It involves Internet Blogger, Zac Sky, a young man who embodies success and awesomeness. 2) The title gives the answer.

If you guessed that Zac Sky interviewed me, survey says... you were right. You have earned immunity this week and will stay on the island.

(If you guessed something else, then you can either try again, call a friend or ask the audience. And may God help you... while he/she blesses America and saves the Queen... Or whatever is on the heavenly agenda for the day.)

Here is the link to the awesome interview. Enjoy!

http://zacsky.com/2012/08/how-daniel-grant-newton-followed-his-dream-wrote-novel/

If interviews are not your thing, I have drawn a picture of the French cartoon character Lou for you.


Thursday, 9 August 2012

Certified German Hero: German Man... man.

Picture created by Lazy Beats.  Awesomeness created by Robert Harting, a certified German hero.
First test... Hero?

It is usually hyperbole when commentators tell you an athlete is a hero.  Sure, we can admire them.  But unless they break the 100m world record and do it so fast the world spins backwards so they can go back in time and right the wrongs of the past...

... or dive into the pool and receive all 10s, and the splash from the pool goes so far it waters the fields of drought-suffering farms and feeds the starving...

... or they high jump out the stadium like some type of flying amazonian woman, and into a burning building three streets down, where the firemen can't get to the orphan blind kittens, and so said athlete brings the little pusses in boots down to the street unharmed in a blanket.

... unless they do that, they still stand in Batman's shadow.  He's a hero whose dark bat shadow hangs over that sporting event that is happening right now... whatever it is called?

I saw the final in the Christopher Nolan trilogy last night.  It was great.  But so I don't spoil it for you if you haven't seen it, I'll just say that Batman is pretty freakin' awesome, and leave it at that.  He's a real hero.  And by real, I mean not real.  But still a real hero.

And you know what?  Sometimes it hurts me, like really hurts me inside my muscle-bound chest - keeps me up all night - to think that Gotham City doesn't know the truth about Harvey Dent, or truly appreciate our favourite masked crusader.  (Mind you, Adam West is still the best version in my honest opinion.)

Second test... Super?

I personally don't use the word "super" lightly.  Even though I hear peoples say it super often.  Super is a super special word, you know?

Perhaps reserve it for superman and other comic book characters who perform life saving acts with the aid of extraordinary powers.  Powers that usually originate from a bite of a radioactive spider, or being covered in toxic ooze, or finding out your parents are aliens, although not like Spielberg E.T. aliens, but powerful humanoid ones.

Imagine if, instead of laser vision, super strength and the ability to fly, Superman's powers were building intergalactic telephones, making his finger light up and getting really homesick.

"Stop thief, or I'll point this glowing finger at you and get homesick... don't think I wouldn't."

Mind you, it would also be harder for E.T. to get a job at the Daily Planet.  He could wear that head wrap, but he couldn't stay in the bicycle basket.  It wouldn't be as easy as just putting some glasses on and changing his hairstyle.

Anyway, the word "super" needs to be earned.  A supermarket, by definition, should sell capes, pet radioactive spiders and canisters of ooze.  Not just a big shop full of s**** (I don't know why I censored the word "stuff", but I did, and you liked it).

And this leads me to the question on all our minds.  The one that keeps us up at night when we forgive Gotham City for their treatment of the Dark Knight...

Does Robert Harting get the certified super hero tag?

If you don't know who Robert Harting, look him up right now.  I'll wait.

Now, if you did what I suspect you did, you will not have looked him up, and will have just read on.  You will also be wearing a blue shirt.

Man, if you are wearing a blue shirt and read on, I bet you just got freaked out then!!

Robert Harting is an Olympian who won the gold medal for throwing a round discus through the sky (not unlike your typical UFO).

That feat makes you strong.  Like almost Bane strong.  Somewhere between Bane strong and "tiger blood" strong.

Anyway, that doesn't make you a hero in itself.  It makes you a role model with the kids... which has its own responsibilities, because as Spider Man says, "with great power comes great responsibility."

Snap!  Yes, I did all that to set that joke up.  Ouch.

Anyway, what puts Robbie Harting in the super hero category was what followed when he won.  This man didn't just run and hug a woman in the crowd.  He didn't just strut in front of the cameras.  He didn't even just rip off his gear with his bare discus-throwing hands.  He didn't just roar with masculine primordial awesomeness.

No.  He then did a lap of the stadium, including doing an impromptu hurdles.

There has only ever in the history of human kind been a celebration better than Robert's.  And that's when this guy was kicked off a 'B' grade reality TV show.



Sure, Dan, he threw a discus, got a gold medal in the Olympics, ripped his shirt off for the global audience, roared like a lion and jumped over hurdles... that makes him "super", sure, I'll give you that, but not necessarily a hero.

I hear you.  No, I guess he didn't make the world spin backwards to go back in time and change the past for the better, or feed the poor and save the farmers, or rescue blind orphan kittens from a burning building.

But he did something more symbolic.  He displayed to the world what the Olympics is about... or should be about.  It's not about how many medals any given country won.  Or whether Nike or Adidas won the most.  Or even about some random event on a Greek mountain.

The Olympics - life - is about ripping your shirt off and doing hurdles.  Life is to be enjoyed, not caring what anyone else around you thinks.  It is about celebrating your victories with every particle of your finely crafted body.

Robert didn't care.  He was being watched by the world, but he enjoyed what he had achieved.

So in the end, through his demonstration of human strength and joy, doesn't that make him a superhuman?  In the end, isn't that what being a super hero is all about?

No.

All the same, inspired me and made me smile, so still a hero in my books.  Like Batman.

Wednesday, 8 August 2012

Is your horse a unicorn? 5 quick ways to check...


FAKE NEWS!  
5 quick ways you can tell if your horse has the potential to become a unicorn

Every horse trainer hopes one day to either win the Melbourne Cup, or have their mare birth a unicorn or Pegasus.  According to a groundbreaking book by mythological vet, Amanda Tapping (no relation to the Sanctury and Stargate star), there are a few telling signs to look out for when wondering whether your horse has magical tendencies.  


The book also details how to use lost/uncommon/ancient/scientific/forbidden/reiki techniques to encourage the protrusion of wings or a horn, the proper care for such a beast, and which quests to take them on and not to take them on.

Ms. Tapping, a mythological vet for 12 years (that is to say she both has been mythological herself AND has worked with mythological creatures for 12 years), believes that the real challenge is recognising which horses are closet unicorns.  Here are her 5 tips.

1) Does the head feel bumpy?  This is often a sign the horse is hiding a horn.

2) Does the horse talk? A lot of people disregard their horse talking in perfect diction as a 'phase', or they simply believe all horses talk.  This is not so.  If someone had recognised it earlier, 'Mr. Ed' could have been 'Mr. Magical Horse from Another Dimension with a Horn and/or Wings who also happens to Talk'.

3) Is your horse farting rainbows? This is a clear sign something is not ordinary about your horse. Especially if they are flying around the farmyard while they do this.  It might however mean you should not be deviating from typical horse food as much as you are.  In this case you need to take them to a vet or rub into their forehead the salty tears of a lost orphan manatee.

4) Has their been an ancient prophecy held in the family that one day a unicorn will be born in your barn? If not, but you would like a unicorn, perhaps make one today - it's not too late.  Alternatively if they were born on the same day as when all the celestial bodies in this galaxy came into perfect alignment, or a Harry Potter book was released, then they are almost certainly a unicorn.



5) Does your horse talk to elves, fairies, dwarves or ethereal beings?  This may or may not be understandable to your human ears, and the beings they are talking to may not be visible, but if you confront the horse about it, and it shakes its head or stamps its feet, then that is your confirmation.

Sunday, 5 August 2012

Fake News! Zombie diseases are changing the online dating industry...


They use to say it is never too late to date, and now with the emergence of lonely and single undead from cemeteries across the world, the adage has never been more true.  Stretching their cold dead hands across keyboards, zombies have been staggering and moaning in hoards to websites like GetMeAZombieDate.com and DoesMyBottomLookDeadInThis.com.


Melissa, a 22 year old graphic designer from Birmingham, stated zombies are the new vampires.  "Last year it was all vampires, but they quickly got boring as they could only go out at night and were very moody.  

"I even dated one vampire with a purple face, Count Dracula, and he spent all night counting the calories I consumed at dinner.  But zombies are different.  They are much more fun and they really take things slow with the relationship."

Melissa's friend Jody, a 27 year old sales consultant, has not followed the craze.  "I am like one of those ladies who doesn't follow trends, and stuff.  Plus I am really into hygiene, and Melissa's 'zomboyfriend', Dave, is smelly and looks like death warmed up.  And sometimes his limbs just fall off.  That's gross."

Melissa however believes that Dave's sensitivity and sense of humour makes up for these faults that Jody sees in him.  She is just one of many finding love after death do us part.