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Tuesday, 23 August 2011

Fake Movie Reviews: Google Cars

The movie review below is based upon people from a true story that never happened. No animals were injured in the making of this movie review.

Daniel Grant Newton reviews, from Hollywood... well, not Hollywood, but a place like Hollywood.

"Like" of course is a relative term.

So loosely with the same general feel as Hollywood. But not really.

Well, the location of this review and Hollywood both have breathable air. Sort of.

So Daniel Grant Newton reviews from a place not not unlike Hollywood with sort of breathable air.


With an eclectic cast and blockbuster-style CGI, Peter Jackson's new movie Google Cars was an epic fail, blemishing a career of box office blitzers. Sort of like a pair of really nice brogues stepping in fresh King Kong poo.

Jeff Goldblum's performance of the psychotic computer hacker was both chilling and a heated performance. Unfortunately his lines were lukewarm, and the reasoning behind his distaste for society was temperate. Seeing such a great actor go to waste on a poor role left me both cold, and hot-headed, not knowing how to judge the temperature.

Kind of like sticking one foot in cold water and one foot in hot water, then sticking both feet in a bucket of temperate water and then trying to judge the temperature of the water. Or like reading this blog and trying to decide whether its genius and spontaneous, or rubbish incarnate and should really be edited. It's genius and spontaneous for those not sure.

Stephen Hawking's debut acting performance as the President of the United States was looked forward to by physics nerds alike, but in the end left much to be desired. He delivered his lines in a flat, monotone manner, with no hint of expression or intonation. Did not match the emotion that oozed from him in his tirade regarding the treatment of singing sensation Rebecca Black.

Chuck Norris played the hero of the film and was awesome. He was chosen to play this role after everyone else in contention mysteriously died from repeated roundhouse kicks to the head.  

Chuck Norris and some other guy.
Truly Norris' performance was brilliant, genius, inspired, loved, amazing, jaw-dropping fantastic, and I'm not just saying that because he has a fist poised to smash my head into pieces. He literally saved the film like Walker Texas Ranger saves the day.

Getting Lisa Simpson to play the romantic role for Chuck Norris here was a strange choice which turned out to be a master stroke, a work of art. At times her overacting was a little cartoonish, but since she is a cartoon character it is a little harsh on her to criticise her for that. It's like saying Steve Martin's performance in (insert movie) was very white.

It was good however to see her break out from her character in The Simpsons which has held her career back by typecasting her as a little yellow four-fingered girl. 

The Simpson's Hollywood Star ... didn't realise the MTV reality show Newlyweds with Jessica Simpson and Nick Whoever did so well.
A much more real performance was given by the real human actor Jaden Smith, playing Chuck Norris' son. Previously known as the 'Karate Kid', it is likely he'll be more known as 'boy who got stuck in hacked Google car' after this performance.

I was literally on the edge of my seat with his performance. Mainly because after coming back from the toilet during the movie I found someone had spilt most of their iced coffee on it whilst I was away.

In conclusion, the movie did not match the hype... and there was no hype surrounding the movie - so that says something! If I could create a time machine to go back and stop this movie from ever being made I would. Wait a second. Here's the missing piece for my time machine, the flux capacitor.

1/2 a star for the actual movie. 5 stars around my head from Chuck Norris' furry of punches. So overall I'm giving it 5 and a 1/2 stars out of 5.

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