Sunday, 5 August 2012

Fake News! Zombie diseases are changing the online dating industry...


They use to say it is never too late to date, and now with the emergence of lonely and single undead from cemeteries across the world, the adage has never been more true.  Stretching their cold dead hands across keyboards, zombies have been staggering and moaning in hoards to websites like GetMeAZombieDate.com and DoesMyBottomLookDeadInThis.com.


Melissa, a 22 year old graphic designer from Birmingham, stated zombies are the new vampires.  "Last year it was all vampires, but they quickly got boring as they could only go out at night and were very moody.  

"I even dated one vampire with a purple face, Count Dracula, and he spent all night counting the calories I consumed at dinner.  But zombies are different.  They are much more fun and they really take things slow with the relationship."

Melissa's friend Jody, a 27 year old sales consultant, has not followed the craze.  "I am like one of those ladies who doesn't follow trends, and stuff.  Plus I am really into hygiene, and Melissa's 'zomboyfriend', Dave, is smelly and looks like death warmed up.  And sometimes his limbs just fall off.  That's gross."

Melissa however believes that Dave's sensitivity and sense of humour makes up for these faults that Jody sees in him.  She is just one of many finding love after death do us part.



Saturday, 28 July 2012

Exclusive interview with fictional berserker from everyone's favourite book


Hello and welcome to another crazy article on my blog. Today we have a very special guest for you (he surely thinks he is anyway), a fictional character from Svartalfeim who became one of the most beloved characters in my book - The Last King of Shambhala.  His name... Eirik Lodbrok.

Me: Hello Eirik.  Good of you to join us. How are you today?

Lodbrok: Pleasant evening, Mr. Daniel Grant Newton.  Great to be here. One thing though, I go by Lodbrok... Lodbrok the Magnificent, if you will. Or Lodbrok the Great. Or Lodbrok the Amazing. Or any fitting descriptor, I am not that fussed, but Lodbrok, son, not Eirik. Only my mum ever used that name Eirik that slipped from your lips this fine day. And if I were naughty, and no doubt deserved a smack, she would call me Eirik Lodbrok.

Me: That's fine - I can call you whatever ... I did create you. Now, Lodbrok - if you prefer, some of the readers will be wondering who you are, could you describe...

Lodbrok:  Mr. Daniel Grant Newton, how naive and wrong you are. Everybody who lives upon this fine green planet of yours would surely not only know me name, but revere it and consider calling their kid by the same name - if they didn't think the pressure to live up to my brilliance would ultimately crush their said child into a small crushed thing.

Remember, you are not talking to a small time celeb. A flash in the silver screen pan. A minor paparazzi favourite like Tom Cruise or Angelina Jolie or some-fing. You are talking to the greatest swordsman to ever pick up a sword. The best bandit to ever steal a gem. The Padival Village cheese rolling champion two years running. And of course, every young lady's heartthrob - who could resist a cheese roller, right?

My picture is no doubt the most recognised facial representation in your world, as is the case in my world. Swordsman keep my picture in their wallet for inspiration. Law enforcement officials post my picture around every town in hope of an impending arrest - although, let's face it, no amount of back-up is EVER enough. And then there is the ladies, again. They keep my photo by their bedside for sighing at, holding against their chest, and gazing wistfully at while reading a Jane Austin classic - or lustfully if they are instead reading 50 Shades of Grey.

Me: Yes, that sort of talk could land you in lots of trouble.

Lodbrok: Is the adage "trouble is my middle name" a common adage in your world too? If it isn't, perhaps just write that I said that with a cool expression on my face, and that you threw your head back in fits of laughter, appreciating my wit and agreeing with the spot-on sentiment.

Me: One thing that actually might be a surprise to you, Lodbrok, is that you are not known outside of the readers of my book.

Lodbrok: Are you meaning to tell me only you and your mum are blessed to know me in your world?

Me: Are you implying that only my mum and I have read my book?

Lodbrok: Look, it's a great book - I should know, I am the main character - but nobody reads all those words. The movie on the other hand shall be fantastic if someone were to buy the rights. It would make millions and be a good investment for sure (hint hint).

Naturally I could play myself, and perhaps you could write a romantic interest for me... Or two, I wouldn't dare restrict your creativity. I have seen two little known actresses who could play the part.  Have you heard of Halle Berry and Jessica Alba? Perhaps you should look their numbers up in that phone book you people have and give them a holler.

Me: I hate to break you when you are just finding rhythm, but I assure you, only my readers and now blog readers know who you are.

Lodbrok: No I am pretty sure I am a big deal in Israel and Australia. And Russia, too. They love the Lodbrok in those countries. It is hard to walk down the road without being mobbed by incredibly attractive women, or men. And there's a billboard of my face on every corner.

Me: Yeah, I think you are living in some sort of imaginary world, because that is not the case.

Lodbrok: Oh, I am living in an imaginary world, am I? That is novel, excuse the pun because if you don't like it, there it still is. Not taking it back. I live in an imaginary world, do I? I don't think I am the one interviewing the imaginary friend. Now I am no shrink or nothing, but don't that sound just the little bit mad to you?

Me: I am NOT a shrink, but DOESN'T that sound a bit mad to you?

Lodbrok: You are fixing my grammar, which is your grammar.



Me: Hmmm... Maybe you are right. Maybe I am a little mad. But it is nice that you referred to yourself as my imaginary friend. It's nice you consider me a friend. Even if you did call me mad.

Lodbrok: Just telling it like it is. Anyway, enough of you. Let us enjoy much better a subject matter so your audience don't click to another page... like me and my book. Yes, bad grammar, I know. But do you realise how many of them typos you make on your blog?

Me: Yes, thanks for that. One thing I need to clarify with my casual readers - you are not actually the main character.

Lodbrok: If I didn't know you were joking, I would throw my head in some soft pillow like object and bawl man tears that would no doubt be collected by some entrepreneurial type, and sold at a rare collector's auction in Israel, Russia or Australia.

It would probably be bought or stolen by an Australian, because they love their beloved criminals, like Ned Kelly and Kylie Minogue.

I think it is because they were founded by convicts. Well, invaded by a kingdom that dropped convicts on the dreadful, endless, empty beaches to go back to the luxurious, cold and crowded Britain. Did you know that?

Me: I am Australian. I did know that. But of course there were people there before said drop-off. And Kylie isn't a criminal, by the way.

Lodbrok: Really?? Because some of those outfits are a crime. If I were her manager I would have the fashion police on speed dial.

Me: I can see Ebben has become a big influence on you. You are dropping cultural references like it's hot.  Yet, not that funny.  I hope people read my book and discover you are much more funny than this!

Lodbrok: You mean you really hope they read your book and discover YOU are much more funny than this!

Me: This whole switching reality thing is very Post Modern. And it also reminds me of one of those creepy puppets who reveals the dark inner thoughts of their weird puppeteer.

Lodbrok: ... And back to me! You do get easily distracted, Mr. Newton. I believe you came with a set of questions, as is the cultural expectation when one conducts an interview of a much admired personality. So far, however, you have asked me how I am and whether I think more than just your mum and you have read your book. Not a good start.

Me: Yes, I do have questions. Here I go. Question one. In your own words, can you describe what The Last King of Shambhala is about?


Lodbrok:  That's easy.  The Last King of Shambhala is about an incredibly handsome, charming and streetwise berserker - yours truly - and his mission to save the universe from Ragnarok - complete destruction. How it ends, you'll just have to read it and find out.

Me: That's not exactly it though, is it? You aren't even the main character. And it isn't your mission.

Lodbrok: It's all a matter of perspective, I guess.

Me: How so?

Lodbrok: Well, if Ebben - 'Universe Saver' - Alexandrov didn't meet me, who knows how long he would have lasted. Not long. Not long at all.

Me: Alright. Question two. What was the hardest thing you ever had to do?

Lodbrok: I once had to save a damsel who looked just like Halle Berry ... or Jessica Alba or Nicole Kidman ... from an army of Block Heads.  For all those playing at home, Block Heads are these incredibly awesome, unbeatable and evil robots.  I don't like to exaggerate, you know that, Daniel, but there were probably a million of them. And I was only armed with my sword, charisma and superior strategy skills.


Me: And let me guess, you want me to write this scene in the next book, make it into a movie, and get one of the aforementioned actresses to play your romantic lead.

Lodbrok: It is like we have the same brain. What is that saying in your world about great minds think alike? Ebben once said it to me.

Me: Yeah, I am not writing that scene though... Next question. What was your most embarrassing moment?


Lodbrok: Don't really have one. Well, there was this one time when a lover's ex punched me in a surprise attack while I was drunk and temporarily blinded by accidentally consuming unicorn poison. That was the first time anyone ever laid a punch on me, and I almost lost the fight. So embarrassing for a warrior like me.  But in the end I ended up winning the duel, and the young lady, let's just call her Halle Berry - it wasn't her name but it might give you some ideas, and her father watched on with candid astonishment.

Me: One last question, before you plug The Last King of Shambhala. And surprisingly, it isn't why on Earth did I think it was a good idea to give you a whole article on my blog.

Lodbrok: I am not sure you are the right one to plug my book to... your book to. I have heard of this woman called Ellen that I should speak to regarding promoting The Last King of Shambhala. Have you heard of her? I think she might have a small chat show somewhere. Probably better to hold off on plugging anything until I talk to her, and promise her the exclusive.

Me: That might be a bit difficult as you are not real.

Lodbrok: Already thought of that, my dear friend. I am alive and well in your mind, yes? Why don't you take a holiday in the recesses of your subconscious, and give me the metaphorical wheel?

Me: Not going to happen. You have already embarrassed me... Last question. Who do you admire most in the book besides yourself and your reflection? Short answer as time is running out.



Lodbrok: Odin ... and his son, Thor (pictured above). And Ebben, of course.

Me: Alright. I think that is all we have time for. Thanks for your time, Lodbrok. And to my readers, please check out my blog and my book. It is available at Amazon and any good online book store.

Lodbrok: Is that it?  I feel that was unsatisfyingly short.

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

In a moment of maddness – paint-thrown-on-the-wall madness – and a broad brushstroke of procrastination … I birthed a Modern Art Trailer for my Blog. And this is my ‘unveiling’.


My love affair with art started young.  Crayon scribbles to finger painting to drawing to cartoons to painting … and then off to a private high school and five years of high brow art so that I knew a lot about things that most people never would care about.  Knowledge that won’t get you a job – that sort of thing.

Which naturally makes me both culturally and intellectually superior to the uninitiated who have stupid jobs like being a surgeon, a judge or a quantum physicist.

Actually, since I was drafted to a high-achieving school, the surgeon, the judge and the quantum physicist were probably in my class.  (That sounds like the start of a joke – a surgeon, a judge and a quantum physicist went to a school.  The surgeon said… etc.)

Although, they probably were in my art class, in the case of the quantum physicist, he or she was probably attending all other classes simultaneously in different dimensions while phasing in and out of existence and personifying the question ‘what is real?’ …

Which in the dimension and class I was attending may have been a good topic to explore in one of his or her perspectives, but by the mere act of choosing a subjective lens to view the question, would have collapsed all other possibilities and rendered the study not understood or complete… thereby demonstrating my popular science noob’s view on the subject.

No, but serious (oh, my goodness is this blog going to get serious?!?), learning about art was one of the greatest things I have ever done.  You can really appreciate the creative mind and the era of the time the piece was created during by learning about it … and unfolding the mysteries.  It is like learning another language or opening the wardrobe to another world, like Narnia.

But instead of being a world with boring things like talking lions who think they’re Jesus or witches who directly influence the seasons and withhold the biggest shopping holiday of the year – Christmas…

… it is a world that has artists who cut off an ear to send in the post on Valentine’s Day, or artists who paint pictures of pipes and then tell you that it isn’t actually in reality a pipe but a picture of a pipe.

All I have to say to the first example is that goodness we now have Halmark, Vincent.  (Van Gogh and I are clearly on a first name basis.)

And to the second example, the below is not a pipe either…

 
So, in essence, art is more than aesthetic candy, but exploring psychology and perspectives of the mind, and importantly is a channel for rebellion and making statements.  It is the rebellious Sex Pistols of intellect and society, except that its members aren’t all tools with no talent and no real base (or real bass, as the case may be with the Sex Pistols).

Did I say that out loud?  Sorry that was my upturned nose speaking, not my skinny genes – the DNA of Punk – the place where God gave Rock’n’Roll to you … And to everyone.

Have you got that song stuck in your head now?

But in this exploration of art, I discovered that art isn’t all about rebellion and expressing your individuality.  It also occasionally has artists that I am pretty certain nobody understands, but like the emperor and his new clothes, nobody wants to admit they don’t.  And so they pay millions to maintain the illusion they do.

Case in point…

I once as a young art student went to a small minimalist art gallery with my class and got to meet the artist.  As you can imagine, it was very exciting to pick the brains of someone who does art for a living.  Especially as he delved in minimalist art and I had no understanding or appreciation for his art yet (turns out I still don’t).  Here was a chance to open my fresh-eyed young mind up with a dose of artistic DMT.

To paint the scene, pun regrettably intended, this minimalist artist did artwork like painting a canvas completely white, then dripping white paint down the side.  Or splotching a red dot in the middle.  Yes, that was the piece.  Done.  Now put a price tag on it.  $35,000 plus postage and handling.

Example of a similar piece done by a small child is below.



When we arrived the class were allowed to leisurely explore his gallery, before we met aforementioned artist and asked our questions.  These questions went down like this – no joke.

Student (pointing to white canvas with yellow blob): What is the meaning behind your artwork?  Can you tell us what the meaning behind this art piece is, for example?

Artist:  This piece is about when I had sandwiches on the beach with my teacher, and bla la bla bla, and the yellow dot then related to (insert completely random political message), bla bla bla, and that’s when I said to Mary I’d like to meet her Tuesday, represented by the white.  (Finish)

Class reaction: Different states of WTF.

Student (confused but with humour): When do you know an art piece is complete?

(It was on our minds as the paintings looked as though they’d all been started but perhaps stopped at the first stroke.)

Artist: I know to stop painting when the phone rings.

Teacher (after just two questions): Okay, that’s enough, boys.  We have to be getting back to school now.  Thank the ‘artist’ for his … ummm … time.

Artist shrugs and lights up marijuana in front of us all.  He then proceeds to leer at some of us.

End of scene.

Now obviously this was not your typical artist.  (To protect his identity, and because I’ve conveniently forgotten it, we’ll call him ‘Mr. J’ from now on.)

Minimalist art like Mr. J’s brand of art reminds me not only of my nephew’s masterpieces which we might sell to pay for his future university fees, but also a news story I read once.

This news story tells of a modern art show that came to New York and achieved great acclaim by some art critiques.  Emperor’s new clothes art critiques.

After the accolades, it was revealed the paintings were done by elephants holding paintbrushes.

Not surprisingly, my art teacher didn’t find it as amusing as I did when I enlightened him.  But like me with Mr. J, my art teacher didn’t get what I was about.

Art history has been about self-expression and challenging the status quo or system or governing or establishment…

… so I have no idea why I didn’t ace it when I challenged his governing by not listening to his ideas like the class status quo, creating my own art outside of the schooling system, which didn’t look like the ones in the art text books, thereby challenging the establishment.

Surely any disobedience by students should have been encouraged and seen as a tribute to the art greats before us.

High school art was perhaps less about revolutions and pushing boundaries, and more ironically about following the established curriculum – and copying, or ‘appropriating’, other people’s ideas.  But it was still the best subject at school, don’t get me wrong, AND I even had a good relationship with my teacher who will not be named.  Because James Talmad wouldn’t appreciate it.

That isn’t his name by the way.  Just put a name in there for a laugh.

Anyway, outside of a little bit of drawing and painting, I haven’t done much art since school.  And I definitely haven’t attempted any emperor’s new clothes art.

So in a mad moment where cheeky met procrastination at a right angle, I decided to make a video that Yoko Ono, Andy Warhol and elephants alike would approve of.  An art piece that makes no sense – other than the shameless plugging of this blog with assurances it is awesome – in tribute to the art that nobody really understands.

The unveiling of my Blog Trailer in a Modern Art style…



Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Dear Reader, the Death Star is close to almost somewhat fully operational… perhaps.



I don’t like to blow my own horn but…

No, actually.  What am I saying?!?  I love to blow my own horn.  It has such a unique vibrant resonance that echoes across green valleys with rivers and waterfalls.

My horn blowing is a crystal clear harmonically-perfect masterpiece that is at just the right pitch to make David Hasselhoff gasp and lay the back of his rugged hairy hand to his chiseled forehead, before spontaneously combusting to the tune of ‘Jump in My Car’.  (I love that guy!)

I also love my horn, so much so that I blow my own horn about blowing my own horn.  Cue comedic honk.

But before I indulge in such vocal self congratulatory adulation, I must warn you that if you’re reading David, the avid week-to-week reader you no doubt are, find the strength to stop reading.  K.I.T. can’t save you now, either can a slow motion CJ with breeze blown hair and a bouncing standard issue lifeguard safety float.

We simply cannot lose you, David, king of suave and comedy.  Respect.  Big up yourself.  Comin’ at ya like Cleopatra.

So with that said, here I (finally) go, blowing my own horn, for everyone’s benefit bar the Hoff, trumpety trumpety like the introduction of a king to an archery event.

My novel has been chosen as a semi-finalist in the Kindle Book Review's Best Indie Books of 2012, in the Sci-fi and Fantasy category.  Since I am in North America now, I have the liberty to call it the World’s Greatest Independent Authors of 2012 Championship.

And unlike the World Series, it is an international competition.  Without the drugs.  Actually, I cannot be certain there hasn’t been some Lewis Carol performance enhancers used by any of the other competitors.

(For the record, for complete openness and transparency, I did drink 9 coffees one school night to help me write a short story called ‘The Coffee Whisperer’… it was about a guy who discovered he could talk to coffee beans.  But that was a long time ago and I regret my actions.  Actually I don’t.  But I’m presuming I would if I had a publicity manager on my imaginary payroll.)

Anyway… You can help be my further success.  I will mention you in my Academy Awards speech when the movie adaption wins the best negative cutting category for a foreign film with product placement set in three or more different locations and time periods, and containing an original music score comprised only of horns.

Or whatever award it wins in the hypothetical future.

(Note that that is to say in this particular hypothetical future event … not to say the future is hypothetical, because it invariably and inevitably will happen, but will instead be called the present to those experiencing it.  Don’t ask me why.  I didn’t make the rules… of the universe.  Or the linear timeline we perceive.)

So if I win, your efforts will be recognised.  My movie will no doubt have tough competition though as it will probably be competing with the likes of movies like Dainty Green Tree Frog Man and Google Cars.  Maybe even The Coffee Whisperer.

Anyway, point is, your help will help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi.  

(Do not be concerned if your name is Obi-Wan Kenobi, I am not stalking you, but merely inserting a cultural reference for comedic purposes and peer approval.  You should be more worried about why your parents gave you that name, and named your little sister ‘The Little Ewok’.  Also, by the same token, do not be alarmed if your name is not Obi-Wan, you have not by some freak metaphysical accident taken the identity of a fictional character.)

Anyway, that is my long winded Hugh Grant way of saying that I … erm … love you.  And am asking for your help.

So how can you help me?  Great question.  I am excited you finally asked the question and won the prize.  The prize being the illusive answer.

By buying The Last King of Shambhala on Amazon and leaving a review, that’s how.  By sharing the love, you will help me (I think) reach the finals, and then perhaps become THE Kindle Book Review's Best Indie Book of 2012 in the Sci-Fi and Fantasy category.  And then we can build a Death Star together with only one small but very important design flaw.

Join me, insert your name here, and leave a review.  I am your father.

Thursday, 21 June 2012

Robot Interviewed on News - Could this be the future, or some type of bad joke?



Hey there, short note from me this time.

My travels in Vietnam have now come to a close. I stepped off the plane onto US soil, with plans to go to Canada and work there.

But, as a 9-5 escapee, I do not plan to go back to the life of a robot. I plan to keep writing for my readers, and creating, creating, creating. And land the perfect job.

I'll update you as I go - as usual.

Daniel



Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Public Service Announcement: Your Friends Aren't Always the Best Place for Advice

If you've been reading my blog since I first started posting, perhaps give your eyes a rest, looking at the screen for over a year non-stop is unhealthy.  But when you come back, I'll ask you to cast your minds back to my 'Be the Pander' (claim your inner panda) article.

Note: Back in my 'mind like a fortress' days, I really waged war on people telling you you can't do something - but as a side note in my more milder days (12 months later), I'd like to add that getting constructive advice on how to do it is awesome, like Green Thai Curries on a Phuket Beach.

If you have not been reading this blog since the start, you can (if you like) click here and acquaint yourself with my early brilliance.  Or you can simply blink your eyes and say over and over "there is no place like Shambhala", and you, the tin man, the lion and the scarecrow will be transported to Panda Land.

If this fails, all is lost - stock up on cans of food and build an underground bunker.  Or buy some ruby shoes, and rinse and repeat.

In said Inner Panda article, I ramble about not following the proverbial herd, like pandas (eating bamboo shoots however is optional)... and trusting your inner compass and taking advice offered as simply options for the inner panda to decide upon.

(If I had followed the advice on the Internet forums, for example, I would never have written the greatest book you'll ever read, let alone self-published it.  And lots of kids would have grown up not knowing who Ebben or Ariella-Maria are.)

For those slightly older than me, you might remember the game lemmings.  If you didn't build a block, those cute little stupid things would walk off the cliff together and die.  Lemmings Heaven is really crowded, but occasionally they fall off the clouds, too.

Don't be a lemming.  Be a panda.  And be good to your mother.

P.S. For those interested about my book and its progress, it is doing very well, thanks for asking.  Sales are coming in.  And not just from my ever-supportive brother who, like you, reads this blog!  :-)  

If you haven't bought it yet, you should.  Maybe twice - or thrice.  It is called 'The Last King of Shambhala' - and you can read what it is about by clicking here or simply buying the book and eating the pages with bamboo shoots. :-)

Saturday, 26 May 2012

Novel Writing Hacks from Author Daniel Grant Newton

 
Have you got a novel in you that you've always wanted to write?  Perhaps you haven't had the time?  Or you get started, but can never finish it?

Well, as someone who spent most of his life trying to get one of my ideas into a finalised manuscript, and now being someone who has done it, I've found a few secrets of the trade to make inspiration easier, improve your story, and importantly, get it done.  This isn't an exhaustive list, but very powerful all the same - I may write a follow up article later with more tips.


1.) Write about what you love.

Writing a book takes a long time (although perhaps shorter with the tips below :P), so you need to be passionate about the subject to keep going: researching, idea generating, editing, etc.  This might be the most obvious of these tips, but it is one of the most important, and overlooked, pieces of advice since the people of Troy were told that curiosity kills the cat.
 

2.) If you're bored or aren't inspired with a section, scrap it and get more creative.

If you're bored with your story, so will your readers be.  You may have planned for 'A' to happen, but if it is a task writing it, think about other possible outcomes - and go wild.  If any bit of your book didn't fully engage every cell of your body, it needs to go!
 

3.) Daydream about your characters and story for the pleasure of it.

This is when you get your best ideas.  It also allows you to get better acquainted with your characters.  It gives you out-of-the-box ideas.  It gets you in the flow.  I don't know how - but it does - so try it.
 

4.) Jot every idea down.

Good, bad or ugly, write them down, or you'll forget them.  I wrote enough alternate story directions for The Last King of Shambhala to complete at least ten completely different books, allowing me to choose the best and build on them.  Sometimes an idea will seemingly be useless, but it will later spark a better idea, or will fit perfectly somewhere else later on.
 

5.) Create impossible problems for your characters, plan them out, and then look for creative ways to solve them.

The bigger the problem, the more tension and excitement.  These can be physical disasters, or emotional tangles ... But a combination is even more powerful.
 
Further to this, in those "will he make it or won't he", there is nothing like (even if it is a BIG cliche) a character seemingly dead, but then to emerge out of the smoke alive to the relief of their companions.
 

6.) Want to write quicker, plan out every chapter.

I wrote The Last King of Shambhala in five or more years.  There were a few reasons it took half a ten year old's life, but one big one was I planned it out as I went.  
 
This meant it was more creative than it may have otherwise been, but if you have a more simple storyline, and want to write it quicker, plan it out chapter by chapter.  It doesn't need to fit the chapters, you can be open to new directions, but it will save so much time.

I wrote the novella Don't Shoot the Messenger in three weeks.  Why?  I planned out every chapter (and it was about 35,000 words rather than over 100,000, I guess).
 

7.) Show not tell.  Adam is NOT "angry".
 
 
Everybody makes assumptions of others by how they perceive them, therefore readers will get to know your characters better when you 'show' not 'tell'.  

For example, don't say "Adam isn't happy and wanted his boyfriend James to know, no matter how childish he seemed", instead say "Adam crossed his arms and glared out the window, periodically glancing back at James and huffing until his lover diverted his eyes from the Playstation and onto him."
 
Yes, I made that example on the run, so it isn't Dickens.  Or even Meyer.  But you get the point.
 

8.) Research - the key to opening creative doors

Research, research, research.  If you have followed step one, this will be fun. If not, read step one again.
 
Knowing more about the subject allows for accuracy, but more importantly, it expands your mind, dude, and allows for more creative direction and solution.
 

9.) Quick 'cheat' way to bulk up the persona of your characters - write in another's voice
 
 

A quick way to create better characters is to play about with the voice or mannerisms or persona or beliefs of a famous movie or book character, or famous person, or of someone you know.  

Your character shouldn't be a rehash of some other character however, by doing this, you might be able to develop your character in another direction by mixing elements and mannerisms of this character with your current character.  

I'd suggest even mixing multiple characters with your original character, but still keeping the essence of him or her.

Extra tip: Try using a character that is completely out of place.  Like Fran Fine as the voice of an evil warlock, or the Terminator as a flight attendant, or Goofy as a werewolf.
 

10.) If uninspired, watch inspiring videos on YouTube before getting into writing

Some times you just aren't in the zone.  If you have a chapter about a romantic date, go onto YouTube and watch a montage of BBC adaptions of Jane Austin movies for five minutes.  If it is a boxing scene, watch a Muhammad Ali fight montage.  This isn't for copying, it just gets the juices flowing.


If you'd like to see the result of putting these tips into practice, you can now buy The Last King of Shambhala at any good online book store.

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Amoretta part three is out and the fans take a well deserved breath of relief as circumstances change in a satisfying manner and... well... just watch it already and stop reading the longest title to ever been given to a blog! Well, there was that blog title of April 4th, 2009, when someone made a ridiculously long title. And perhaps other instances that I cannot recall. But this is still very long and silly. Silly because it is so long. Perhaps the forth longest I've ever read. Actually, after that last sentence, perhaps third longest. Enjoy the video!

The third chapter of Amoretta is the greatest thing you'll ever see. Okay, I lie. It is definitely not the greatest thing you'll ever see. Unless you are blind, suddenly can see for the duration of the video, and then are blind again.

If that is so, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you tasted the unreachable fruit of sight, and it was taken from you. Why you tasted with your eyes I do not know. Or even pretend to know. But you did, and I heard your pain with my nose.

For everyone else, this will not be the greatest thing you ever watch. But it's about love. The love between a wife and husband, a wife and the ghost of a rabbit, the love between you - the viewer - and the subscribe button. (Magical things happen to gullible people when they press the button - try it and see for yourself.)

So it might not be the greatest thing you will ever see - it might be if you fit into above description or are not a typical or normal person - but give it a watch anyway, it is about love. And after all, all you need is love. So perhaps in some way, it will be the greatest thing you ever watch. And if you disagree, then you are supporting everything bad in the world like tornadoes, munchkins that sneeze on people for fun, and blind people who see for only a short while before it is ripped out of their clutches.

Anyway, the link is below. You decide what your thoughts are. You can choose from: a. Awesome, b. Awesome, and c. Awesome.

The link = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=miu_OwP1zig

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

King Odin’s Revelations - Chapter Three of The Last King of Shambhala - Sample of Book

Click here for Prologue

Click here for Chapter One

Click here for Chapter Two


CHAPTER THREE: King Odin's Revelations


10,000 years ago.

For many moons, Odin, King of the Gods, woke from a nightmare sweating and panting. All he could remember from the dreams was the haunting face of a scarecrow and its hollow voice.

Odin believed that dreams were windows of insight, incomprehensible in the light of day. So when the scarecrow returned to him night after night, he was compelled to visit the forgotten world of Vanaheimr to seek meaning.

Vanaheimr is an ancient land destroyed by a warlock ruler called Mimir. It is said he uncovered a magic key that was too powerful for him to control … and the sea became poison, the air became fire, and the land fell into the sea.

However, Mimir could not let go of his kingdom – even after death. And so he became trapped in between the worlds of the living and the dead. It is said that from this unique vantage point, he gained great prophetic vision.


Odin sat silent in his longboat, closed his eyes, and inhaled deeply.

Mist slowly danced around his boat, the moonlight glinted off the steady ripples below, and a rasping hiss slithered across the water's surface. Odin’s eyes snapped open.

“All right, Mimir, you there? The King of the Gods, a.k.a. King Odin, vis-a-vis ruler of the physical known universe, is waiting here to see you, and you keep him waiting. What do you have to say about that?” called Odin over the pitter-patter of the rain. “So don’t make him wait. Are you so sure he’s got the patience for that sort of dramatic entrance? Does he? Does he? No, I don’t think so. Otherwise, how would he get things done when he’s got a million things to do as ultimate king?”

He paused, and heard no reply. His eyes drifted over the ghostly shapes created by the low-hanging mist. His voice boomed into the wind: “Come now. Show yourself to your God. Try to put your reasonable and justifiable fear of such a powerful god aside so you can have the honour of a discourse with the great Odin.”

His words once again fell on a deathly silence.

He could hear the drumming of his heart against his chest. He could hear his hairy, heaving chest trying to suck in the dusty, ancient air. And he could hear the steady beat of the water lapping up against his long boat. But nothing more.

“I’ve got a metaphorical scrolls here for you, addressed to the half-dead warlock Mimir, from, yes, from the King of the Gods, vis-a-vis me, and it says the King of the Gods doesn’t wait for anyone, so...” Odin let his bellowing voice trail off into the thin air. His words echoed in the distance, as if hitting the edges of this world and bouncing back at him. “Come now, I know you can hear me, let’s talk one ruler to another.” Odin added under his breath, “Even though one ruler doesn't have anything to rule anymore, so technically, is no longer a ruler … but we’ll look past that.”

The bow of Odin's longboat creaked, the boat rocked, and shadows moved below the surface of the water.

“And why do you think I will help you? What’s in it for me?” crooned a soft voice in the wind.

Odin paused pensively. He kept his head perfectly still, but his eyes wandered around his surroundings.

“What's in it for you? Apart from getting to talk directly to a god? That in itself is enough for anyone of right mind.” Odin paused. “You have nothing I can’t take, so...” Odin growled. “I could just take it. But I’m an Asgard, and we have a refined etiquette developed over countless millennia to adhere to so, I’m asking before I bash your non-physical head on the bow of my ship and just make you tell me. Simple.” Odin paused to look through the mist caressing the water. “You don’t really have a choice. Subsequently, do yourself a favour and make it easy. Otherwise…”

Odin pounded a fist into the open palm of his other hand.

Again there was silence.

“You do realise, I am the King of Gods. Not a king, but the king. The only king. Just one crown and it is on my head, so…” He paused. “I’m a pretty dangerous fellow, really. That’s just about as powerful as you can get without being on the other side of life’s curtain...” Odin said as his fists clenched by his side. “Give me a reason, and I will destroy the rest of your world without a heartbeat of hesitation. Your kingdom will be gone forever. Well, what's left of it. Empty real estate right now, isn’t it? But I’m sure it means a lot to you... so...”

“Believe me, there is nothing you could do to me. Your power is limited at the very best,” came the voice, followed by a low mechanical-sounding chuckle.

“Sounds like you need a warning from the gods,” Odin said. “That,” he continued, smiling and looking about him, “is when an incredibly powerful god will come down and use the elements to pre-warn you of what could happen if you don’t bow your head and accept his commandments.”

“I can’t wait for a god to challenge me. Where’s the god?” responded the voice, laughing more than before.

“What do you mean where’s the god? I am the god, aren’t I?”

“You’re not a god. You’re a giant who has found the apples of eternal life and dabbled in a bit of magic, and very primary magic at that. You may rule over the Jotun and Asgard, but you don't rule over a warlock as powerful as me.”

“If I weren’t a god, then would they call it a ‘warning of the gods’? No, they wouldn't call it that. They’d call it something else. ‘Warning of the mortal’ or something, which, granted, wouldn’t be as concerning. But know that I am a god, your god, the King of the Gods in fact, and so the statement does apply. And doubly so, I might add, seeing as I am King of the Gods.”

Mimir's voice seemed to echo from every direction. “So you call yourself the King of Gods, do you? Yet you are not truly a god, and not truly immortal. Without the magic of Idun’s apples, you’re as mortal as those you look down upon. You of the Asgard forget that the Jotun, all the giants, are your brothers. You are no king, and you are no god.”

“Yes, I am the King of the Gods, so, embarrassment… yours,” Odin screwed his nose up at the water. “Essentially, I wear the big gold crown and sit on the throne and make really important decisions. You, on the other hand, are talking water, which is nothing, essentially. Talking water, what can we do with that, except drink it, and listen to it cry ‘don’t drink me, don’t drink me … and don’t use me to wash your genitals whatever you do, and don’t…’ and more. Stupid, yeah?”

“I am as your people call me, ‘the Well of Wisdom’, I know all, and I know you are no god, and not much of a self-appointed king.”

Odin forced a soft chuckle between mashed teeth. “Yeah, I was told Mimir was the ‘Well of Wisdom’, but instead of wisdom, I draw laughter, so... misinformation. I was misinformed. This has been a waste, hasn’t it? You know nothing of what I want to know, do you?”

“You are mistaken. You may draw laughter now, but... in the end, only I will be laughing.” Mimir’s voice drifted into the distance.

Odin smiled wryly.

“I may not have any eyes,” thundered Mimir, “but I see further than you. I have seen your universe’s end. And that is why you are here. You’ve come here to see your universe’s end for yourself.”

As Mimir spoke, a violent wave crashed down on Odin’s boat, nearly knocking the ‘King of Gods’ into the water.

Odin shook his head so wildly his long soot-coloured hair and beard escaped their braids. “Not entertained by your magic tricks and tall stories. Thought the mist on the water was pretty dramatic, but seriously, let's get on with it now,” said Odin, brushing strands of seaweed off his shoulder. “Choice, okay? If you do not talk straight, I will destroy you for good. If you tell me what I want to know, there'll be no need. Simple, isn’t it? I know what I would choose. ‘Yeah? What’s that?’ I would choose to live and not be destroyed and left a black hole for eternity.” He paused a beat. “And one more thing, I came to find out about a dream, not the end of the universe, so the egg landed squarely on your face there, water man, or whatever you are.”

“And how do you plan on destroying me?”

The earth shook as if it were sniggering at the king.

“The end is nigh for you and the worlds in your universe, oh mighty Odin.”

“Not frightening me, Mimir. We’ve started with twisted mind games, good, bit of fun, not the best of starts, but forgiveness granted. But there’s a time to say, ‘oh, that’s enough my God, sorry and all that, let’s get on with your questions’, yeah? Time to play fair, or I will show you the might of my army, which let me tell you now, you don’t want. Okay? Good.”

“Tell me, what makes you think I can help you anyway? You are wise enough to know you cannot avoid the destiny of the universe. Even if you think yourself a god, surely you see that?”

“A scarecrow in my sleep. He talks to me. Don’t know what it’s about though, and keeps me up.”

Odin paused, deep in thought, before continuing: “Did I at any point lead you to think this was about anything else? Because it’s not. Just a silly dream. Nothing more - nothing less. Not worried about it, just, a little uncomfortable, okay? Alright. Good. Sorted. Done. Bravo. Excellent. Splendid, even.” Odin’s forehead creased and his body stiffened. “The stories in my world tell of something like this happening to you, before, so that’s the only reason I came down to your level to talk...”

Odin could imagine a prickly grin in the frosty wind that bit his cheeks.

“Before when? Before I destroyed this world,” taunted Mimir. “You could say the scarecrow came to me at the end of my days. And he has come to you, in another way.”

“Works for you… but can’t happen to me. We’d gone through this, yeah? I am immortal, so...” Odin craned his head back as a bitter cold wind whirled about him. “Last time I checked, immortal means cannot die. Lives forever. A la an immortal god, so...”

“It is not only true for you,” sniped Mimir, “but for every living thing in every world in your universe. Everything will start to die, and the universe will wilt away to nothingness. You, however, will not live long enough to experience it, but...” Mimir paused. “It will be so.”

“I don’t think you are getting this whole cannot-die-cause-I-am-an-immortal-god thing,” Odin yelled. “With Idun’s apples, the gods, a.k.a. the Asgard, cannot die.”

“Have you not heard of Ragnarok? It is what those on the other side call the death of a universe. Every universe in this glorious multiverse has a pre-determined Ragnarok. And yours is upon you. The little light you call your universe will flicker out in just 10,000 more years.”

Odin’s eyes narrowed and his forehead crinkled, as if he were looking straight into the sun. “Question. Ragnarok may make you feel better about destroying your world, but how can that possibly be the meaning behind my dream since I am, as aforementioned, immortal?”

“Surely through your search for wisdom you have heard of Ragnarok? You must know nothing is eternal. Even a moron of a giant eating life-prolonging apples cannot survive Ragnarok when it takes place.”

“Okay, starting to spook me, but still not buying it.” Odin arched his shoulders back. “Since Idun discovered the apples, yeah, not one Asgard has even felt sickness, let alone died. Doesn’t sound like wilting flowers but blossoms forever blooming to me.”

“You do not need to believe me – you will die anyway. You will know soon enough that my words were true. You cannot change Ragnarok once it has begun. It is the end of the story. Of course I find pleasure in your fear and pain, the energy makes me feel alive. I feed on it, but I have no real desire or motive to lie to you. I only tell you what I have seen.”

“Okay. Line, hook, you’ve caught me. Show me what you’ve seen. Show me what’s going to happen so I can…” Odin paused and straightened his back, “so that someone, let’s just call them the greatest king of all time, can stop it.”

“You think too much of yourself, King Odin. You cannot stop it,” Mimir’s voice mocked. “I can show you. But don’t waste your last breaths trying to stop it. It is your universe’s destiny. You are powerless to deny destiny.”

“Show me now,” roared Odin. “I may look like I am a calm and collected king, but I can sting, sting like … something that really stings, and I do not have patience for you.”

“As you wish. But everything has a price. The price I ask is for one of your eyes. I want to see the fear in your eyes as you beg for your life. I want to see the King of the Gods on his knees. I want to be there as you struggle for your final breath.”

“You want one of my what?” Odin asked.

“One of your eyes,” hissed Mimir’s voice over the sound of the small waves thumping against Odin’s boat.

“Just to clarify, you did say one of my eyes, and not one of Asgard’s famous duck pies?”

“That is correct.”

“Because here’s something else that rhymes with eyes, compromise, yeah? I don’t know if you have a mouth, or tastebuds for that matter, but a duck pie from Asgard is heavenly, so… compromising, yeah?”

“I do not negotiate,” growled Mimir from the depths of the ocean. Odin’s boat began to rock.

“All right, all right. Which one do you want?” the king asked.

“Your right eye.”

“Does it have to be my right? I’ve kind of grown fond of that one.”

“Your left eye. It does not matter.”

Odin tossed his head from side to side. “That’s kind of the one I prefer to use at archery.”

“Unless you have another eye to bargain with, it must be one or the other.”

“Not really a fair swap though, is it? Swapping an eye for a vision?” Odin muttered as his heavy breath froze in front of his scarred lips. He swallowed. “We need blood to seal the trade anyway. Might as well be mine… as always.”

Odin unsheathed a royal silver fishing dagger from his belt, and made no hesitation. Blood spurt across the deck of the longboat.

Odin staggered to the edge of his boat, chuckling to himself like a madman, and hurled his eyeball into the sea.
There was no splash. It simply disappeared into the mist.

Suddenly, the ocean roared and the sky turned white with clapping lightning. Then the wind began to whistle like a boiling kettle.

Odin hung over the deck and peered into the water with his remaining eye. The water swirled faster and faster as his blood cascaded down into it.

Inside the swirling water were quick-moving pictures of a heavy snowstorm blasting through the universe and freezing entire worlds over.

Odin’s stone face fell and lost its colour. He saw fields of dead bodies from all the worlds he knew, including the Asgard, being covered in snow.

As quickly as the images had appeared, they disappeared, and Odin staggered back.

Odin sat in silence for a very long time.

“There is a way to stop Ragnarok,” said Mimir, interrupting the silence.

Odin raised his head.

“A child will be born with the power to halt the wheels of Ragnarok, once they have been set in motion” Mimir continued. “Or, if the child should prefer, he can bring about Ragnarok. A child like this is always born into a world facing its extinction.”

Odin shook his head, and answered Mimir’s echoing voice softly.

“It does seem strange for you to tell me this now. One, you are rather evil and foreboding, and helping me out doesn’t seem like a thing you would do. Two, if that was the case you could have saved me my eye and just mentioned that at the start.”

“You are right; I enjoy games. But I also don’t take risks. Your knowledge of your demise won’t prevent your death or the death of your universe. You will not be around to find the child.”

“Does Quan yin know of this child?”

“Quan yin is bound by higher laws created by the ‘Seven Keepers of the Multiverse’. She will not interfere in matters of the physical world.”

Odin was about to question what he meant by that, but instead kept quiet as he saw a light appear in the distance. It was very faint at first, hidden behind thick mist, but as it got closer and brighter Odin could see it was coming from a lantern in a boat. And in the boat was Heimdall, the lanky, hollow-cheeked, bronze-toothed god who kept watch over the kingdom of Asgard.

Mimir’s presence had faded into the background by the time Heimdall’s small boat clinked against Odin’s longboat.
Heimdall held the lantern against Odin’s face and inspected the bleeding eye socket.

Odin peered back at Heimdall with an unwavering eye. “You followed me. You can’t just follow me. There’s things a king needs to do that... why did you follow me?”

Heimdall was a close friend of Odin’s, but always reverted to formalities when he was nervous. “Highness, I will not ask what purpose you have in devilish lands, for I am a friend who trusts you. And Highness, I do not wish to question your reasons, for I am a loyal servant of the Crown. But as a friend and a loyal servant I beg you hear my reasons for being here.”

“Very well, Heimdall,” snapped Odin.

“First, let me say, I did not see her leave the walls of the castle,” said Heimdall. “No one did.”

Heimdall stepped back as he saw the king of gods begin to shake uncontrollably.

Odin’s fist flew into the carved dragon head at the head of his longboat, shattering it into shards and sawdust.

“Out with it,” seethed, breathing sharply between his teeth.

Heimdall swallowed.

“Um… Idun and her apples… Well… They’re… She’s gone.”

Click here to get the whole book ... The Last King of Shambhala.

Monday, 23 April 2012

Hidden Treasures are there to be found - Chapter Two of The Last King of Shambhala - Sample of my book

Prologue

Chapter One

CHAPTER TWO: Hidden Treasures are there to be found


This is a preview of my new book The Last King of Shambhala.

Petta Road State High School, Australia. Midgard, the land of the humans. Present day.

The school veranda was very quiet. There were the muted sounds of classes in session behind closed doors, kids in P.E. playing on the oval, and the soft chirping and buzzing of crickets and insects from the bushes and the trees outside ... but on the whole, very quiet.

Ebben peered through a window at his teacher asking his new class questions and writing on the board. Nobody noticed his presence.

He stood back from the window, careful not to leave his breath on the glass pane.

All of a sudden, as the glare hit the window, he caught sight of something behind him in the reflection. It was the face of a scarecrow with shiny black eyes. A deep chill rushed through Ebben’s body.

He softly gasped, spinning around and knocking over a rubbish bin. Clang.

Rubbish scattered across the hallway. The scarecrow was gone.

Ebben slowly let his breathing return to normal.

Carefully and quietly, he set the bin upright, and shooed off a pair of large crows inspecting the litter.
Nobody in the class heard him.

“Giving me more to clean up are ya, lad?” said an old groundskeeper hobbling down the veranda.
“Sorry,” Ebben muttered, looking up at the burly man. “Won’t happen again.”

“It’s fine,” the old man said with a twinkle in his eye – the one that wasn’t half-closed – and added, “Just tame ya wanderin' mind and get back to ya schoolin’. You’re late.”

Ebben swore at the groundskeeper under his breath as he sheepishly crept towards his locker.

In his head, he could hear a raspy voice calling his name over and over.

“Shut up,” he whispered. “Go away.” Ebben shook his head, trying to free himself of the voice. “Get lost.”

Ebben looked back at the old man. He didn’t notice – or pretended not to notice – Ebben’s mutterings.

Hurriedly, his nervous bony fingers worked the combination on his locker door.

“Please. Go away,” he pleaded under his breath to the raspy voice.

Suddenly, a cold hand squeezed his bicep.

Ebben, already on edge, clambered back into the lockers, dropping his bag and spilling its contents. An apple rolled down the hallway.

“Talking to yourself again, Ebben?” came a patronising voice.

Ebben’s eyes looked up to see Jayden, Matthew and Shane closing around him.

“I was talking to the groundskeeper,” Ebben lied. But the groundskeeper was now nowhere in sight. Ebben avoided eye contact. “I’m late for class.”

“But we were just going to welcome you to the school – formally initiate you,” came the voice again. It was Jayden.
Jayden drilled his foot into Ebben’s stomach. Ebben winced as he fell to the floor, but refused to retaliate.

The boys laughed.

“Didn’t they do this at your old school?” smirked Matthew, adding a kick to Ebben’s ribs.

“They did something similar,” muttered Ebben. “But they only made that mistake once.”

“Speak up, rat,” Jayden taunted.

“I got expelled from my last school. I promised my mum and aunt no more fighting.” Ebben held his hands up and displayed his open palms. “I don’t want any trouble.”

“Hey,” Shane exclaimed, interrupting Jayden and Matthew’s ‘new boy interrogation’. “Check this out.”

Shane held up a rusty carved brass key with a blue stone on the end.

“It fell out of his bag,” said Shane.

“Give that to me,” said Ebben, scrambling to his feet.

“I don’t think so, chief,” said Shane, inspecting the key. “This will be worth a bit when we pawn it, I reckon.”
“It’d look good at my place,” laughed Matthew. “My little brother could play with it.”

“Give it to me,” Ebben said raising his voice. “My mum gave it to me, it’s very special and…”

“No, I think this is all we want actually, mate,” said Jayden.

Shane began swinging it about by the golden rope it was attached to.

“Give it to me.” Ebben moved to within an inch of Shane’s face.

“Or what?” Jayden hissed, pushing Ebben back. “Or what, mummy’s boy? You’ll tell your mummy on us?”

“Or you’ll be doing your school work from hospital for the next six weeks.”

“Big words for a...” began Jayden as he went to push Ebben once more.

But as he did, snap! Ebben grabbed Jayden’s wrist, pulled him in towards him, and rammed an elbow into his jaw with one fluid, lightning quick move.

Jayden slid down the lockers – unconscious before he hit the ground.

Matthew hurled his large frame at Ebben, as Shane hesitated for a split second. Thud! Whack!

Ebben side-stepped Matthew’s tackle, flung him into the lockers, and as Matthew turned his bleeding nose around, caught him square in the face with a side snap kick.

Matthew crashed down to the floor, not knowing which way was up.

Shane stared at the damage his friend’s head had made in the lockers.

Slowly he stretched out a shaky hand and offered the key back.

Ebben snatched the key. His eyes locked on Shane’s.

“Okay, now you know,” said Ebben, putting the key around his neck. “Now you know why I have to go from school to school. And why you shouldn’t touch things that aren’t yours. Is the lesson over, or do you want something to take home and reinforce what you’ve learnt?”

Shane turned on his heels and scampered down the slippery hallway.

Once the bully was out of view, Ebben wheezed, clasped his chest, hunched over, and squeezed his eyes shut. Almost immediately, a red rash spread from under his school shirt to around his neck.

He swore.

“Ebben Alexandrov,” came an authoritative voice. “I think I’m going to have to call your aunt in again.”

Ebben looked up with a pained expression to see the headmaster crouching on his haunches, inspecting the unconscious Jayden and Matthew.

“My office. Now.”

Click here for Chapter Three. This is a preview of my new book The Last King of Shambhala.