Note: This article is not so much for you, or my other blog readers. It is instead more for the survivors of the Mayan apocalypse...

Dear Survivor of the Mayan Apocalypse,

I write this to you three days before the end of the world happened.  Congratulations on surviving.  I'm sorry to hear about everyone else that died as a result of:
ninja zombies 
Facebook going offline 
Two and a Half Men re-runs 
Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez breaking up 

... the events surrounding Mayan calendar ending.

As a result I am taking my last breaths to document some of my blog articles for your historical record.  

The top articles from 2011 are below, those from 2012 I will include in a post on Thursday.  

I hope they help you navigate through this brave new (and presumably volatile) world.

9 Top articles from 2011

The Ninjas of My Blog and the 'About Me' Section

This explains why I do not yet have an about me section.  It also explains how ninjas get their names.

BE the Panda

Why you should "BE the Panda", and what "Panda-hood" means to you.

Google Car Movie

What if Google Cars was made into a movie?

Google Car Movie Review

And what if that Google Car movie got a review?

5 Easy Steps to Generating Blog Articles

My secrets to blog success revealed.  I won't give them all away, but the first one is to remember to feed your dinosaur.

The Idiot's Guide to Internet Trolls

Answers questions like, what is an internet troll, how does one feed them, how does one spray themselves with anti-troll repellent.

A Stereotypical Joke

Don't you hate jokes that rely on stereotypes?  They are so... stereotypical.  And this one makes fun of them.

Heart Attacks are not funny, but...

Some rare lucid thoughts while reading an email on heart attacks.

Free Story: Dainty Green Tree Frog Man

What is says on the box.

Fake News! Zombie diseases are changing the online dating industry...

They use to say it is never too late to date, and now with the emergence of lonely and single undead from cemeteries across the world, the adage has never been more true.  Stretching their cold dead hands across keyboards, zombies have been staggering and moaning in hoards to websites like GetMeAZombieDate.com and DoesMyBottomLookDeadInThis.com.

Melissa, a 22 year old graphic designer from Birmingham, stated zombies are the new vampires.  "Last year it was all vampires, but they quickly got boring as they could only go out at night and were very moody.  

"I even dated one vampire with a purple face, Count Dracula, and he spent all night counting the calories I consumed at dinner.  But zombies are different.  They are much more fun and they really take things slow with the relationship."

Melissa's friend Jody, a 27 year old sales consultant, has not followed the craze.  "I am like one of those ladies who doesn't follow trends, and stuff.  Plus I am really into hygiene, and Melissa's 'zomboyfriend', Dave, is smelly and looks like death warmed up.  And sometimes his limbs just fall off.  That's gross."

Melissa however believes that Dave's sensitivity and sense of humour makes up for these faults that Jody sees in him.  She is just one of many finding love after death do us part.

I'm breaking out of the 9-5 cubicle and burning my monkey suit... it's time to follow my dream!

 

Yes.  It is exciting, and frightening, and everything in between.  I have finally broken free of the rat race, and am ready to take on the brave new world of big dreams.

My dream is to be a full-time storyteller.  That is a novelist, script writer, animator, etc.  And today I took the biggest step of all... I quit my safety blanket job.  What's more, I've bought tickets to go overseas - I need to get out of my comfort zone a little to grow and keep my writing inspired.  

There is no going back.  This is it.  If you'd like to hear how I go, follow my blog, because I plan to keep you, my friend, in the loop on all things "Project Dreaming".  I'll let you know of every little success, and every little embarrassing failure.

Peace.  Yours truly.  Live long and prosper.

Daniel

Idiot's Guide to Internet Trolls ... What?!?

troll ¹ | trōl|

noun

a cave-dwelling being with a dwarf intellect making rude comments online, typically having a very ugly appearance despite claims online to the contrary.

troll ²

verb

sending an e-mail message or posting on the Internet with the intention to provoke a response, hateful interaction or draw attention to themselves by being &*$#@.

________________________________

Until the other week, I hadn't had even one 'hater message', let alone a 'troll', on my YouTube channel since I started posting. But even so I developed a contingency plan just in case - a YouTuber's creed - for when the inevitable happened.  It was:

Do not respond. Perhaps thank them for their opinion, but don't engage.

That motto, however, went out the window when I received my first trolling comment.

Said troll wrote:

This was just way too funny not to respond. I HAD to respond, and so I wrote:

Note: It was for my bowling prank video.

I thought to myself, if you're going to call someone an "idiot", at least get the basic punctuation right. That's three words he's written, and he managed to screw up two out of three. That's an amateur troll's mistake.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't make a habit of fixing people's grammar up, even if they are freakin' hilarious mistakes (because I know I make mistakes on my blog).

I didn't, for example, draw attention to the irony in this statement made on YouTube (despite the temptation):

But seriously, rule number one of trolling must be to not call someone an idiot (a stupid person) - or "a idiot" - and make mistakes primary school kids do not make. 

Mind you, if I called him an idiot for making elementary mistakes, I guess his rebuttal could be "it takes one to know one". That ALWAYS worked in the playground, and if we were to take this premise to be correct, it would confirm his initial analysis of me to also be correct.

Anyway, by being called an idiot it came to my attention that that qualifies me as someone who could write the "Idiot's Guide to Trolling". 

 Idiot's Guide to Internet Trolls

So here it is, the definitive guide for any troll or troll wannabe.  I've already mentioned the first rule ... (don't call someone an idiot with bad punctuation, unless you believe it takes one to know one, and you used the bad punctuation as a ploy to confirm the previous statement) ... so here's the second rule.

Rule #2: The Law of Getting Attention

As you can see from the graph above, the more of a tool a troll is, the more attention they'll get... until it gets to a point where everyone realises they are a complete waste of oxygen and decides to no longer engage with them. When this happens, it is time for the herd of trolls to move onto a new video or article.

Rule #3: Less is more.

Often it is tempting for a troll to try to compete with someone who has well thought arguments, or big words... just don't. 

Trolls have limited capacity for insight or retrievable knowledge. Their brains are filled with other things like... well, I'm not sure on the contents (unfounded prejudices, perhaps?), but they don't have any room for any of that "smart stuff".

So the motto for trolls should be: less is more. When someone speaks to a troll using unfair and confusing words with 7 or more letters, combat this with four letter words and personal insults that you claim are true based on your mentalist perception of their words and opinions.

Rule #4: Claim credibility.

Why have credibility when you can just claim you have it?  It is much easier, and can be changed to suit the argument.

A good tactic for a troll is to say they went to Harvard or Oxford (or both) and studied in a relevant field relating to the video. It is common knowledge that Harvard and Oxford graduates trawl the Internet looking for petty fights and cannot spell - so when trolls use this tactic they are taken for their word.

They can also claim good looks, an abundance of sexual partners, or a high IQ. These too are believable and help win any online argument.

Conclusion

If you're anything like me, you are probably tired of the trolls. They can go back to Middle Earth I say! 

Anyway, if you think I have missed out any Rules for Trolls, feel free to use the comment form below and tell me.  Have a great 'troll-free' day!

Heart Attacks Are Not Funny, But...

Hey my beautiful Shambhalan Royal Reader!

I received an email about heart attacks in the inbox today, and I thought I'd share it with you. If you've ever died from a heart attack, you know it is not a laughing matter. 
 

BUT this email, although informative, is quite funny and a bit 'stalkerish'. I repeat.  Heart attacks are not funny (See Heart Attack Dragon I drew below).
  

Nor are the ways to stop them.  But the way this person has decided to convey the information, that is funny.

I have included my lucid thoughts as I was reading this in blue for your entertainment.

(Note: While reading this you may also learn something that might save your life in the process, and I hope that not only does this entertain, but draws your attention to the information in the forward and helps somebody out there.)

 
Valuable Information

Valuable Information. Yep, you know it is valuable information when they write "Valuable Information" up the top. So, clarification there for those who did not initially see the value in the email. Let's read on.

(Please send this to 10 friends. It could stop you from getting a heart attack.)

I'm not sure on the logic there. Sending this to my friends could stop ME from getting a heart attack? This is a new preventative measure I have not until now heard of, but it gets me thinking right at the start. Could this procedure of forwarding emails help other illnesses out there? Food for thought.

And why so specific? Why 10 friends, not 11 or 9 friends? Perhaps I should quieten my inquisitive mind and just read on...

Let's say it's 6.15pm and you're going home (alone of course), after an unusually hard day on the job.
It's 6.15pm? That is awfully specific again. Give or take seconds I'm presuming...

"and you're going home (alone of course)" What are you trying to say ... 'alone of course'? I don't have any friends? Then how am I going to send this to 10 friends?...

"after an unusually hard day on the job." This is getting VERY specific. After an unusually hard day on the job? Why was it unusually hard? Did I have chest pains? Was my left arm not working like it should, and was it in pain? Are you a psychic?
 
You're really tired, upset and frustrated.
I've got no friends, had an unusually hard day at work, my left arm is in pain... what do you expect?

Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts to drag out into your arm and up into your jaw. You are only about five miles from the hospital nearest your home.
How do you know where I live? How do you know all this information? How do... wait a second, I thought I was going home. So if I'm about five miles from home right now, and the hospital is five miles from home, I could be the luckiest man on the planet right now!

Unfortunately you don't know if you'll be able to make it that far.
Probably can though, if I'm on my way home from work like you said.

You have been trained in CPR (seriously, this is sounding very specific, how do you know all this?), but the guy that taught the course (what did he look like?) did not tell you how to perform it on yourself.

No, that's right, he didn't. He only taught me to do it on a plastic doll called 'Annie' who didn't have any arms or legs... so unless I am saving a plastic doll named 'Annie' who doesn't have any arms or legs, the training may not reflect the real life circumstance

 

HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK WHEN ALONE

Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack, without help (presumably because they have no friends?),the person whose heart is beating improperly and who begins to feel faint, has only about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness.
Which unless they live near the hospital and are on their way home like I will be (apparently), then they'll be in trouble. So live near a hospital, people. That's what this is all about. What it is trying to say! Maaaaaasssssage comprehendo?

However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously. A deep breath should be taken before each cough, and the cough must be deep and prolonged, as when producing sputum from deep inside the chest.

A breath and a cough must be repeated about every two seconds without let-up until help arrives, or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again.

Lesson of the day: coughing cures heart attacks. Remember it. (Note: that is not a joke, but a community announcement.)

Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital.
Which should be only 5 miles away if you followed the previous advice. Step 1: Live near hospital. Check. Step 2: Deep breaths and coughing. Check.

Tell as many other people as possible about this. It could save their lives!!
Wait a second, I thought it was just 10? First you say I'll be coming home alone 'of course', then you estimate my network of friends, family and acquaintances to be 10 or under? I know at least 11 - maybe 12 - people I'll let you know!

A cardiologist According to Google cardiologist are not Hallmark scientists like you may rightly think but doctors specialising in heart conditions ... I know, who would've thought?! says if everyone who gets this mail sends it to 10 people, you can bet that we'll save at least one life.

What?! "A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this mail sends it to 10 people, you can bet that we'll save at least one life."

This quoted but unnamed cardiologist is massively - even grossly - underestimating the impact the email would have if his massively - grossly - overestimation of the amount of people would send it on was correct.

Now, I'm not an expert on the 6 degrees of separation theory - and clearly the cardiologist isn't either, but if everyone who received this email sent the email to 10 people who had not yet received it, surely the message would eventually reach a fair chunk of the entire global population (that has access to the Internet and that have friends who also have access to the Internet).

That would be at least 1 billion people, right?

Now if his prediction was correct that everyone would partake in this forwarding of email, surely more than just 1 in 1,000,000,000 people would have a heart attack and benefit from the advice?

And if it did only save one life, that is a LOT of compliance expected for a comparably minor outcome...

Don't get me wrong, a life is important, and saving one is fantastic. But perhaps if they sent out a "do not shoot anyone anymore" message, it could have a bigger impact.

Mind you, I would have thought there would be more than 1 in 1,000,000,000 people who would have a heart attack? But I guess a cardiologist would know better than me?

Dr. Google says that 1.2 million people have heart attacks a year in the US... but perhaps these people do not have Internet access or friends or the ability to take deep breaths and cough?

Rather than sending jokes please... No jokes, people. Listen to the man. Not "The Man". I'd never condone that. But the cardiologist, or the person writing this email. Contribute by forwarding this mail which can save a person's life... If this message comes around to you more than once... please don't get irritated.

Instead write a blog article about it.  An article that is both funny and informative.

You need to be happy that you are being reminded of how to tackle... Heart attacks... AGAIN.

And by being a 'smart arse' about this blog, I hope I have not just made you laugh. Even though laughter is the best medicine. I hope I have also helped spread this message so you can save yourself, as well as a plastic doll named 'Annie'.

P.S. Do not shoot anyone anymore.  Thought I'd add that while I'm being socially responsible.