5 Easy Steps to Generating Ideas for Your Next Blog Article

Warning: This blog article may contain awkward jokes and little factual value.

When people find out I write a blog, they first ask me if I write articles about them. I of course answer that my blog is entirely about them. In reality however, this blog is entirely about you.

They then ask if I make money from my blog, or how I find the time to write a blog. I then answer with the same answer, no matter which question they've just asked. I say I own a time machine and plan to sell it on my blog. Haven't had any bids yet though.

Then finally, they ask me how do I come up with ideas to write about. This is a much harder question with a more considered answer. And so I thought, although I usually answer this question in the form of interpretive dance, today I'll write a blog entry about it.

5 Easy Steps to Generating Ideas for Your Next Blog Article

 Step 1: Feed Your Dinosaur

This step is a basic step, but one that is often ignored by bloggers. You'll be reading their blog every day when suddenly their entries simply stop. This is because they have not fed their dinosaur and it has eaten them. If you keep your dinosaur well fed, then it won't look for other sources of nutrients. Remember, when you are dead and in the stomach of a dinosaur, blog ideas do not come readily.

Step 2: Find a new hobby, have a child, or join a religious group

When you trawl through the many blogs out there to plagiarise their ideas, you will find many bloggers write about their hobby, their family, or their religious beliefs. If you have not done one of the following, then you may find yourself having trouble coming up with ideas. My recommendation is to do all three. Or combine them: make a hobby out of converting children you birth to different religions and blogging about it.

(P.S. I'm not fond of 'plagiarising of ideas' ... despite the joke above. I actually think it is the worst thing in the world after cancer, terrorism and the teletubbies.  NOTE: borrowing iconic pictures from well-known movies or video games to put into my blog does not count as plagiarising.  It is satire.  Completely different.)

Step 3: Travel back in time

Finding the time to write an entry is a common problem amongst blogger. But not when you have a time machine! All you need is a car that can travel 88 miles per hour, a flux capacitor, 1.21 gigawatts of electricity, and open road, baby. And not only does it give you much more time to think up an entry and then write it, but also you can go back in time and interview Socrates or Sir Isaac Newton or Brittney Spear's career. Ensure that you keep time machines away from children.

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Step 4: Buy a Bloginator

Bloginators are very useful for bloggers. Essentially it is a machine whereby a blogger feeds paper into it, and out the other end come blog articles that become heavily tweeted about.

The risk however is that one day someone will create a B1000, which will be able to think for itself. The B1000 will then rally all the other bloginators, and begin a bloody war with the blogging population.

Then the B1000 will go back in time in an attempt to destroy me because I revealed this secret which gave the military enough time to work out a way to stop the uprising. However luckily I will be saved by a less advanced bloginator which will end up throwing itself into vat of molten steel.

Step 5: Repeat yourself ... nobody will notice

Bloginators are very useful for bloggers. Essentially it is a machine whereby a blogger feeds paper into it, and out the other end come blog articles that become heavily tweeted about.

The risk however is that one day someone will create a B1000, which will be able to think for itself. The B1000 will then rally all the other bloginators, and begin a bloody war with the blogging population.

Then the B1000 will go back in time in an attempt to destroy me because I revealed this secret which gave the military enough time to work out a way to stop the uprising. However luckily I will be saved by a less advanced bloginator which will end up throwing itself into vat of molten steel.

So there you have it, 5 'fool-proof' steps to generating ideas for your next blog article.

Heart Attacks Are Not Funny, But...

Hey my beautiful Shambhalan Royal Reader!

I received an email about heart attacks in the inbox today, and I thought I'd share it with you. If you've ever died from a heart attack, you know it is not a laughing matter. 
 

BUT this email, although informative, is quite funny and a bit 'stalkerish'. I repeat.  Heart attacks are not funny (See Heart Attack Dragon I drew below).
  

Nor are the ways to stop them.  But the way this person has decided to convey the information, that is funny.

I have included my lucid thoughts as I was reading this in blue for your entertainment.

(Note: While reading this you may also learn something that might save your life in the process, and I hope that not only does this entertain, but draws your attention to the information in the forward and helps somebody out there.)

 
Valuable Information

Valuable Information. Yep, you know it is valuable information when they write "Valuable Information" up the top. So, clarification there for those who did not initially see the value in the email. Let's read on.

(Please send this to 10 friends. It could stop you from getting a heart attack.)

I'm not sure on the logic there. Sending this to my friends could stop ME from getting a heart attack? This is a new preventative measure I have not until now heard of, but it gets me thinking right at the start. Could this procedure of forwarding emails help other illnesses out there? Food for thought.

And why so specific? Why 10 friends, not 11 or 9 friends? Perhaps I should quieten my inquisitive mind and just read on...

Let's say it's 6.15pm and you're going home (alone of course), after an unusually hard day on the job.
It's 6.15pm? That is awfully specific again. Give or take seconds I'm presuming...

"and you're going home (alone of course)" What are you trying to say ... 'alone of course'? I don't have any friends? Then how am I going to send this to 10 friends?...

"after an unusually hard day on the job." This is getting VERY specific. After an unusually hard day on the job? Why was it unusually hard? Did I have chest pains? Was my left arm not working like it should, and was it in pain? Are you a psychic?
 
You're really tired, upset and frustrated.
I've got no friends, had an unusually hard day at work, my left arm is in pain... what do you expect?

Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts to drag out into your arm and up into your jaw. You are only about five miles from the hospital nearest your home.
How do you know where I live? How do you know all this information? How do... wait a second, I thought I was going home. So if I'm about five miles from home right now, and the hospital is five miles from home, I could be the luckiest man on the planet right now!

Unfortunately you don't know if you'll be able to make it that far.
Probably can though, if I'm on my way home from work like you said.

You have been trained in CPR (seriously, this is sounding very specific, how do you know all this?), but the guy that taught the course (what did he look like?) did not tell you how to perform it on yourself.

No, that's right, he didn't. He only taught me to do it on a plastic doll called 'Annie' who didn't have any arms or legs... so unless I am saving a plastic doll named 'Annie' who doesn't have any arms or legs, the training may not reflect the real life circumstance

 

HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK WHEN ALONE

Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack, without help (presumably because they have no friends?),the person whose heart is beating improperly and who begins to feel faint, has only about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness.
Which unless they live near the hospital and are on their way home like I will be (apparently), then they'll be in trouble. So live near a hospital, people. That's what this is all about. What it is trying to say! Maaaaaasssssage comprehendo?

However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously. A deep breath should be taken before each cough, and the cough must be deep and prolonged, as when producing sputum from deep inside the chest.

A breath and a cough must be repeated about every two seconds without let-up until help arrives, or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again.

Lesson of the day: coughing cures heart attacks. Remember it. (Note: that is not a joke, but a community announcement.)

Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital.
Which should be only 5 miles away if you followed the previous advice. Step 1: Live near hospital. Check. Step 2: Deep breaths and coughing. Check.

Tell as many other people as possible about this. It could save their lives!!
Wait a second, I thought it was just 10? First you say I'll be coming home alone 'of course', then you estimate my network of friends, family and acquaintances to be 10 or under? I know at least 11 - maybe 12 - people I'll let you know!

A cardiologist According to Google cardiologist are not Hallmark scientists like you may rightly think but doctors specialising in heart conditions ... I know, who would've thought?! says if everyone who gets this mail sends it to 10 people, you can bet that we'll save at least one life.

What?! "A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this mail sends it to 10 people, you can bet that we'll save at least one life."

This quoted but unnamed cardiologist is massively - even grossly - underestimating the impact the email would have if his massively - grossly - overestimation of the amount of people would send it on was correct.

Now, I'm not an expert on the 6 degrees of separation theory - and clearly the cardiologist isn't either, but if everyone who received this email sent the email to 10 people who had not yet received it, surely the message would eventually reach a fair chunk of the entire global population (that has access to the Internet and that have friends who also have access to the Internet).

That would be at least 1 billion people, right?

Now if his prediction was correct that everyone would partake in this forwarding of email, surely more than just 1 in 1,000,000,000 people would have a heart attack and benefit from the advice?

And if it did only save one life, that is a LOT of compliance expected for a comparably minor outcome...

Don't get me wrong, a life is important, and saving one is fantastic. But perhaps if they sent out a "do not shoot anyone anymore" message, it could have a bigger impact.

Mind you, I would have thought there would be more than 1 in 1,000,000,000 people who would have a heart attack? But I guess a cardiologist would know better than me?

Dr. Google says that 1.2 million people have heart attacks a year in the US... but perhaps these people do not have Internet access or friends or the ability to take deep breaths and cough?

Rather than sending jokes please... No jokes, people. Listen to the man. Not "The Man". I'd never condone that. But the cardiologist, or the person writing this email. Contribute by forwarding this mail which can save a person's life... If this message comes around to you more than once... please don't get irritated.

Instead write a blog article about it.  An article that is both funny and informative.

You need to be happy that you are being reminded of how to tackle... Heart attacks... AGAIN.

And by being a 'smart arse' about this blog, I hope I have not just made you laugh. Even though laughter is the best medicine. I hope I have also helped spread this message so you can save yourself, as well as a plastic doll named 'Annie'.

P.S. Do not shoot anyone anymore.  Thought I'd add that while I'm being socially responsible.

Fake Movie Reviews: Google Cars

The movie review below is based upon people from a true story that never happened. No animals were injured in the making of this movie review.

Daniel Grant Newton reviews, from Hollywood... well, not Hollywood, but a place like Hollywood.

"Like" of course is a relative term.

So loosely with the same general feel as Hollywood. But not really.

Well, the location of this review and Hollywood both have breathable air. Sort of.

So Daniel Grant Newton reviews from a place not not unlike Hollywood with sort of breathable air.

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With an eclectic cast and blockbuster-style CGI, Peter Jackson's new movie Google Cars was an epic fail, blemishing a career of box office blitzers. Sort of like a pair of really nice brogues stepping in fresh King Kong poo.

Jeff Goldblum's performance of the psychotic computer hacker was both chilling and a heated performance. Unfortunately his lines were lukewarm, and the reasoning behind his distaste for society was temperate. Seeing such a great actor go to waste on a poor role left me both cold, and hot-headed, not knowing how to judge the temperature.

Kind of like sticking one foot in cold water and one foot in hot water, then sticking both feet in a bucket of temperate water and then trying to judge the temperature of the water. Or like reading this blog and trying to decide whether its genius and spontaneous, or rubbish incarnate and should really be edited. It's genius and spontaneous for those not sure.

Stephen Hawking's debut acting performance as the President of the United States was looked forward to by physics nerds alike, but in the end left much to be desired. He delivered his lines in a flat, monotone manner, with no hint of expression or intonation. Did not match the emotion that oozed from him in his tirade regarding the treatment of singing sensation Rebecca Black.

Chuck Norris played the hero of the film and was awesome. He was chosen to play this role after everyone else in contention mysteriously died from repeated roundhouse kicks to the head.  

Chuck Norris and some other guy.

Truly Norris' performance was brilliant, genius, inspired, loved, amazing, jaw-dropping fantastic, and I'm not just saying that because he has a fist poised to smash my head into pieces. He literally saved the film like Walker Texas Ranger saves the day.

Getting Lisa Simpson to play the romantic role for Chuck Norris here was a strange choice which turned out to be a master stroke, a work of art. At times her overacting was a little cartoonish, but since she is a cartoon character it is a little harsh on her to criticise her for that. It's like saying Steve Martin's performance in (insert movie) was very white.

It was good however to see her break out from her character in The Simpsons which has held her career back by typecasting her as a little yellow four-fingered girl. 

The Simpson's Hollywood Star ... didn't realise the MTV reality show Newlyweds with Jessica Simpson and Nick Whoever did so well.

 

A much more real performance was given by the real human actor Jaden Smith, playing Chuck Norris' son. Previously known as the 'Karate Kid', it is likely he'll be more known as 'boy who got stuck in hacked Google car' after this performance.

I was literally on the edge of my seat with his performance. Mainly because after coming back from the toilet during the movie I found someone had spilt most of their iced coffee on it whilst I was away.

In conclusion, the movie did not match the hype... and there was no hype surrounding the movie - so that says something! If I could create a time machine to go back and stop this movie from ever being made I would. Wait a second. Here's the missing piece for my time machine, the flux capacitor.

1/2 a star for the actual movie. 5 stars around my head from Chuck Norris' furry of punches. So overall I'm giving it 5 and a 1/2 stars out of 5.